I used to think the answer to this was simple. I'm fat because I ate too much over the years. That's true, but it isn't the whole story. Why did I eat too much? Why do I still have thoughts of bingeing even though I detest being fat? Clearly being fat is not just a physical issue.
I am 6 weeks in to my new lifestyle. A lifestyle of making better food choices, eating normal servings and moving my body more. I still react to smells and the sight of foods - my guess is out of habit rather than desire. I have fleeting thoughts of wanting to eat more than my share because that has been "normal" for me for so many years. I don't really want to binge because I know the consequences and I am just done with that. Honestly though, it is so hard to say no or walk away when I am feeling needy or tired or angry.
I am committed to tracking calories and eating normal servings and when I find myself really wanting something I make it part of my calorie count. While losing these 17 pounds I have eaten fast food and indulged in desserts. I feel satisfied physically, but emotionally want more sometimes.
So, I eat out of emotion and feeling rather than physical need for food. I am not sure I know what TRUE hunger feels like, but right now I don't need to know I just need to get healthy. I think I want to know the why of who I am, but I get the feeling emotional pain will be involved. Off the top of my head I know when this weight gain started....1997 when my Dad died I slowly began to put on weight at a rate of about 15 pounds a year. Over the years I have lost anywhere from 10-30 a couple of times but mostly maintained being fat. Then 5 years ago we moved to Texas and I put on 30 more pounds since being here.
After my Dad's death there were many emotional/angering moments with my mother and her issues that contributed to how I was feeling. Being married to an alcoholic hasn't helped either. In fact I think that has had more effect on me than anything else. Because I felt powerless over him and hated him for being an alcoholic I stuffed all my rage with food. I think subconsciously I did it to keep him away from me - because I couldn't stand him and didn't want him touching me. I know that sounds sad and harsh, but it was life for me. Thankfully, 18 months ago he sobered up and I know it sounds corny, but life has become more than wonderful. We have our spats - what couple doesn't - but we don't rage on each other anymore and we generally get along. He talks about things now and he works hard around the house and yard instead of passing out on the couch every weekend. These last 18 months of life improvement have caused me to finally take a look at myself and I could no longer blame him.
I am in a place of healing. I want to be healthy - for me, for my dh, my kids and I want my body to bring glory to the Lord. I don't want to abuse my body anymore with too much food and not enough exercise. I want that more than I want to binge and that is why I can't tolerate being fat any longer.
There are psychological aspects to eating which are not emotional. Many of us behave habitually and find that not acting on those habits causes stress. Sometimes simply not doing what you have always done creates anxiety which in turn causes you to want to eat. It's also important to realize that there is a difference between knowing what makes you want to eat and stopping the eating. Understanding is the first step, behavior modification is the next.
ReplyDeleteThis is something I realized recently, and have found quite useful. If you are interested, I wrote about it here:
http://screamingfatgirl.blogspot.com/2010/06/what-rat-taught-me.html